A Very Harry Bus Ride
by truemizzie
Summary: A Crack!Fic of epic proportions! For anybody who's ever been on a good, long bus ride!
1. A Prologue

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. How many times do I have to tell you people?

Notes: This story will contain jokes for nearly every clique out there. Theatre fans, dancers, students, bus kids, wizards. All of 'em.

A Very Harry Bus Ride

Hogwarts was a school of magic. It taught students how to perform spells that no regular muggles could ever dream of doing. It taught young wizards and witches how to ride broomsticks, how to levitate a feather, how to transport yourself around the world and even how to brew a potion that could turn a stupid fat rat yellow. It was NOT by any means a school of the arts…until this year.

That's right. Hogwarts had decided that its students needed some culture in their lifestyles outside of Quidditch and the Weird Sisters. It would add a music program, a drama program and a dance program to its curriculum. Who would be the first victims to test out this new plan? The 6th and 7th years.

Harry and the gang would be placed into different arts programs that year, and would perform for other schools of magic all over the world. This month it would be the music class to travel, and take the arts where they'd never been before. There was only one problem: The Hogwarts Express, which had always been useful in transporting the students to their destinations, had broken down, the Knight Bus was busy picking up real passengers and there were no parents willing to drive their students around Europe with their gigantic instruments. So, they'd have to resort to the next best thing: A Muggle School Bus.

The day of the trip was spent loading trumpets, saxophones and trombones onto a miniature school bus. There were so few seats that students would be forced to carry their instruments on their laps. This was particularly uncomfortable for Neville, who had (for unknown and probably very disturbing reasons) decided that he wanted to become the next big Tuba player. Let's see how the day went for our heroes…

"Ron, you can't put a baritone sax on top of a trumpet. You'll crush it!" Hermione yelled at her boyfriend.

"But Hermione, Dean and Seamus wanted to sit beside each other. It'll be off of it in no time."

"Apparently I'll be off of you, too," Hermione warned, and Ron instantly switched the placement of the two instruments. Off to the side, Angelina Johnson was walking towards the bus. She was stopped by Filch, who had decided to be security for the trip, making sure no troublemakers got onto the bus.

"Where do you think you're going, Ms. Johnson?"

"I'm going on the band trip," Angelina replied smoothly.

"Shouldn't you be wearing a tie or something?"

"They don't actually suggest that."

Hermione watched the scene curiously.

"She doesn't even go to the school anymore," she commented as Seamus was settling down into his seat.

"Who cares, she's hot," he told her, and watched the graduate strut onto the bus. Following behind her was a pair of familiar twins: Fred and George Weasley. The two had left school a while before, but were forced by their mother to finish their full time education. Let's just say that when Molly Weasley tells you to do something, you do it.

The bus was loaded fairly smoothly after that, with no apparent disruptions…except, perhaps, Harry's late run on just as the vehicle started moving away from the school. He jumped through the miraculously open door without any injuries…only than the rather violent blow to the head he got when he tripped over a step. When he woke up he seemed a little fazed, but still alright.

Professor Flitwick decided that this would be the perfect time to introduce the students to the bus driver…who, the students noticed, was a muggle and seemed very fazed.

"Students, this is Joanna Cook. No worries, she'll be obliviated when we're finished the trip," he added, to Joanna's apparent horror. Flitwick brought their attention to a little boy who was sitting right behind the driver.

"This is Jordan, Joanna's son. He's four years old."

The students half-heartedly greeted the two muggles. The Very Harry Bus Ride had officially begun.

Author's Note:

This is just the Prologue, trust me. The next chapter will be hideously long to the point that you may actually need to stop reading in order to sleep on whichever night you read it.

Okay, it probably won't be that long, but a whole lot longer. It'll most likely come within the next couple of days (maybe even today if I get bored). Providing, of course, that you would like another chapter?


	2. The Ride Begins

A Very Harry Bus Ride

The students were finally settled into their seats. After a few minutes of chit chat, they had all gotten very bored. Hermione was just pulling out a book, in fact, when a new conversation began.

"Seamus, shouldn't you be working on your Muggle Studies project or something?" Dean asked the troublemaker.

"No - why do I need to know so much about a different country?"

"Probably in case you ever go there."

"Dean, it's _Germany._ When will I ever go to _Germany?"_

Dean rolled his eyes.

"When you apparate there by accident, most likely. Now, come on, tell me…tell me three things about Germany."

Seamus looked suddenly nervous.

"Erm…Edelweiss?"

"That's Austria." Did I ever mention that Hermione was a huge Sound of Music fan?

"Oh. Then…there's…dirndls. Those are pretty cool." Pause. "Aaaaaand…pubs. They like pubs. There are a lot of pubs there."

Dean couldn't help but laugh. "And you're passing this class how?"

"Look, what am I doing when I should be doing what I'm supposed to be doing?"

"What?" Dean asked, for timing's sake.

"I'm playing Quidditch."

"Yeah, you shouldn't do that."

Professor Flitwick, who had noticed the lack of art in the student's conversation, stood up at the front of the bus. Nobody could actually _see_ him, but this didn't matter, as he had a way of making you _hear_ him.

_**"OKAY STUDENTS! LET'S PRACTICE SOME MUSIC, SHALL WE!?"**_

All of the students were terrified, so they quickly pulled out their instruments (a difficult quest, due to the lack of space) and their music. After their reeds were well soaked and their spit valves emptied, a beautiful rendition of Chicago (A Tribute) began. They were barely half-way through "Saturday in the Park" when Ron, the solo trumpet player, mysteriously dropped his mouthpiece from his face. The entire band stopped, except for Harry, who took a moment to realize the silence. Harry played the (very quiet) flute, which makes the fact that he didn't notice the lack of sound even stranger.

"Why did we stop playing?" He asked. It was Ron who answered.

"Sorry. I thought I just heard somebody say STD."

After some laughter, a very serious Parvati spoke.

"Oh, no. Padma and I were just talking about the Yule Ball."

"That explains it."

Hermione decided to speak up.

"I remember that. I remember there was a line of people grinding. It was like a train…only disgusting."

Ginny laughed.

"If I remember, you had a ticket for that ride."

Ron continued.

"Yeah, Hermione, and why wouldn't you guys at least spread out?"

Hermione blushed.

"It wasn't my fault, really! I guess somebody just said, _'We must grind in sequence'_ and went for it."

After some laughter, and then more silence, a light sound was heard.

"Grind-grind-grind-grind-grind-grind-grind-grind…"

Dean stared at Seamus as he sang, and then looked to the group.

"You should hear his naked Macarena."

Fred, hearing his cue, leaned over to where Seamus was sitting and attempted to wink at him. When I say wink I mean both eyes closed tightly, causing the entire bus to start laughing. All except Flitwick.

"How did you guys like my double barreled wink?" He laughed.

"It was beautiful," George replied.

"You're beautiful."

Sensing the beginning of Twincest, Flitwick jumped into the conversation.

"No more cute boys! Let's have some cute notes!"

They attempted the song again. This time it was Hermione who stopped her fellow alto saxophone players and yelled angrily at them.

"Guys, it's an _F #!_ F #, _got it?"_

"Who's playing a C #?" Flitwick asked the group. Hermione perked up.

"There's a C #?"

Flitwick threw his arms up in the air and sat back down in his seat.

"You know what? We'll try this again later. Keep your instruments out!"

Just as he said this, the bus passed by a pet shop.

"Puppies," Harry stated in passing, causing the others to stare at him. Remember the blow Harry sustained to the head earlier? You'll need to, trust me.

Ron, noticing Harry's strange behavior, simply shrugged. He looked over to his twin brothers…then saw something particular odd.

"Fred, are you cuddling a saxophone?"

"Yes, I'm cuddling a saxophone."

"You're his sister?" Harry turned around and yelled into Fred's ear. Fred stared at him.

"You know, I wish my hearing was as bad as yours is."

"Oh, but it's so annoying."

Finally, Angelina spoke.

"Harry, what did you drink this morning, and where can I get some?"

"Five Alive…and let me tell you, I FEEL ALIVE!"

Ron laughed.

"It makes you wonder what's really in the Five Alive." Finally, Harry caught on.

"I'm not high!"

Then Neville had his turn in the spotlight.

"For the record, I think that the Bio-Chemicals in the different types of the fruits within the Five Alive mix in such a way that it is actually _alive."_

"Or you just drank some." It was Ginny who said this. Ron got an idea.

"I have an idea!"

"Yes, Ron, _darling?"_ Hermione rolled her eyes. Why was her boyfriend always coming up with such hideous plans?

"Let's do a test," he stated. "Four people, four juices."

"My name is BOB."

Fred laughed.

"I think you just got your test results, Ronnikins."

I believe that this would be a good time to explain the seating arrangements for our little bus ride. At the front we have the bus driver, and the seat behind her contains her son as well as a very upset Professor Flitwick. Behind Flitwick sit Fred and George and behind them are Angelina and Lee Jordan (who, unfortunately, failed his NEWTS). Behind these two are Seamus and Dean, behind them are Parvati and Padma and behind them are two students we have never heard of before.

On the right, in the front seats we have Neville and Ginny, behind them are Ron and Hermione and behind them sits Harry (who nobody actually wanted to sit beside). After Harry we have Luna and Lavender, behind them are Blaise and Katie and finally, behind _them_ sit Crabbe and Goyle. The back of the bus is filled with stands and chairs, ready to be put to use for our magical little band. Oh, and please don't ask why many of these students have been so quiet. Try to assume that they are simply talking amongst themselves, while in reality I just don't have a use for them in this story yet. I mean, come on, who really cares what Lavender Brown has to say?

Fred rolled his eyes.

"Now that the author is finished all her idiotic bus geography-"

"-Something that Seamus should be working on right now-" Dean interjected.

"-Let's get to our juice test! Who wants to be one of our four contestants?"

Luna, Neville, Blaise and Katie all raised their hands. Fred stood up to announce the test.

"Alright. Neville will drink Bug Juice, Blaise will drink Apple, Katie will drink orange and Luna will be our lucky Five Alive tester!"

The conjured up the four juices into paper cups.

"That's the best you can come up with?" Ron asked him.

"Hey, what's wrong with a paper cup? You can recycle it, can't you?"

"Fred, I never knew you cared so much about the environment!" Hermione cried happily.

"I do?"

"Just agree with me."

"Fully."

The cups were handed out. All had finished drinking except for Neville, who was still nursing his Bug Juice. Everyone watched him patiently…everyone, that is, except Blaise!

"Are you done yet?" He complained.

"It's half full!" Neville defended himself. Blaise rolled his eyes.

"Actually, it's half empty, but I'm a pessimist."

Luna, who had finished her Five Alive, was suddenly heard.

"I'd really like a potato."

"I told you!" Ron yelled. Blaise shrugged.

"Actually, she's just crazy. She's nice, but she's crazy."

_"I can practically smell it…"_

Goyle was finally heard from the back of the bus.

"Would somebody give her a potato, already!"

"I thought I was the only one who wanted a potato," Harry stated and looked at Luna. Goyle stood up and moved to our two unknown students.

"If somebody doesn't conjure up a couple potatoes right now you'll never see these two again!"

"Who are they, anyway?" Katie Bell asked.

"How should I know," Goyle replied. The two looked at each other. The female spoke.

"We're new to Hogwarts. We lived as muggles for years and years, until everybody thought we were too old to come into our proper years. Then, when we found out, we worked so hard that they let us into the grade we'd be in if we had started school at the age of twelve."

"And your names?" Crabbe asked from the other side of the bus. This time the boy answered.

"My name is Gary Stu. My sister is Mary Sue. You see, we're twins, but we were separated at birth so we have two different last names-"

"Okay, we get it already!" Crabbe yelled, disinterested. The siblings stopped and talked amongst themselves as Hermione continued the juicy adventure…

"So, I think we've made a final decision that the Five Alive is drugged, yeah?"

"I'm not sure," Neville replied. Hermione looked at him with her 'I'm-Hermione-Don't-Defy-Me' face.

"Why not?"

"He fell on his head earlier, remember?"

"So?"

"So, that's what's making him weird."

"And what about Luna?"

Neville watched as Luna attempted to create a sculpture out of her bitten off nails.

"She's Luna."

"Fair point. Either way, they're both starting to get annoying."

Hermione decided that she would read a book for the rest of the trip, and then noticed that her backpack had shifted under Ginny's seat.

"Ginny, could you pass me my bag?"

"Sure," Ginny replied. She dropped the back soon after she picked it up. "Ouch, my finger!"

"What did you do to it?" Hermione asked, seeing the bruised nail.

"Ballet."

"Did you fall or something?"

Ginny blushed. "No."

"Then what?"

"It was a pointe shoe injury."

"Of the hand?" Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"Shut up, okay?"

Hermione smiled and bent over to pick up her dropped bag from under Ginny's seat. Reaching for it, she heard Ron speak.

"Hermione, would you mind zipping up your sweater?"

"You're my boyfriend, remember?"

"I know…but it makes me feel so violated."

"Ron, why don't you dress up as a boy for Hallowe'en. Geez." It was Harry who said this.

"What would you know. You're high off Five Alive!"

"I'd have to agree with Harry, actually," Hermione giggled.

It was at this moment that Jordan, the bus driver's son, decided to become active. He marched up and down the bus, showing random students a slinky he had brought with him. He seemed to be the most wholesome child in the world, with adorable blonde hair and sweet blue eyes. While passing by Hermione, she felt the need to say something.

"Aren't you the sweetest little kid ever!?" She cooed. "What are you doing?"

The boy looked up at her innocently.

"Avoiding you."

Hermione gawked. Dean laughed.

"You just got rejected by a four year-old. That's pretty low, Hermione."

She looked at the boy and watched as he made his way through the students and instruments. Standing up, she decided to follow and then scold him…or win his affection, of course. Just as she was beginning to move, she fell, grabbing onto the two seats beside her.

"Hermione, don't fall!" Neville yelled.

"Thanks for the tip."

"No problem." Hermione looked angry.

"You know, that's the second mean thing you've done to me."

"Wait…what was the first?"

"Yeah. I had this dream where you were mean to me."

Neville looked confused.

"You mean, you're angry at me for being mean to you…in your _dream?"_

"Puppies," Harry said suddenly. Nobody gave it any thought. Instead Hermione stood up to go back to her own seat - just as the bus went over a bump. She fell into Fred's lap…at the same time Angelina was leaning in to slap him and Katie was yelling at him to stop turning her hair green.

"Sorry."

Lee finally spoke up.

"Fred, all the ladies love you. How are you going to handle it?"

"I'm not sure, Lee."

"Let's make a deal, then!"

"Alright. Ladies, figure it out. I have two hands, and there's three of you. What do we do?"

Angelina leaned in closer.

"Fred, they can have as many hands as they want, as long as I can have both of your eyes."

There was a short pause before Fred and Angelina began making out fiercely. There was much rejoicing…for them, anyway. The snogging caused more silence than anybody knew what to do with…except continue it. It was Fred who broke the silence.

"Who's slinky is that?" He asked, pointing to the toy in the isle of the bus.

"MINE!" Jordan, our resident four year-old screamed, grabbing the toy and holding it closely to his chest.

"Why are you here, anyway?" Ron asked.

"Because I'm special," Jordan answered.

"Not you, him," Ron pointed to Fred. He then looked to George. "Them, really. Shouldn't you guys be working on something for school?"

"We're taking another break from our full time education," George told him, smiling.

"Have you even been passing?"

"He thinks we're stupid!" both twins exclaimed at once. Ron rolled his eyes.

"You do, don't you?" Fred asked. He sneered. "Well, we can make that stop quite quickly, can't we?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Remember a little habit you had a few years ago?" Again, Ron rolled his eyes.

"Ron, what are they talking about?" Hermione asked her significant other. Ron cleared his throat, ready to make an announcement.

"I used to be able to pick my nose with my pinky. You all," he indicated the other students, "probably don't remember, but I have a pretty good memory."

"I do," Ginny spoke up. "It was back when you had cooties."

"I had cooties too!" Seamus proclaimed.

"I'm pretty sure we all had cooties back then," Blaise quickly ended the laughter. Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"You were just a baby? How could anybody have cooties?"

"What do you mean?" Blaise asked her.

"Well, let's face it. When you're that age, you don't have any friends, and therefore, no cooties."

"Ron was nine, Hermione," Ginny told the now very grossed out girl. Hermione pulled out a book to prevent her self from vomiting.

"What book is that, Hermione?" Neville asked her kindly.

"Waiting for Go-dot."

"Godot."

Jordan had spoken.

"Sorry, honey?" Hermione asked.

"It's 'Waiting for Godot'. Noob."

"Excuse me?"

"That's it; I'm going to go learn about American History."

Hermione stared.

"That kid is, like, Satan's Spawn."

At that moment, Hermione looked out the window.

"I think we're going in circles."

"Puppies."

Heck yes Harry said that last line.

"That's it; we are never passing this spot AGAIN!"

The bus driver, Joanna, had finally cracked. She pulled the bus over to a rather…interesting looking…hitch hiker. He was a tall guy with really poofy dreads. Considerably poofy, in fact. She asked him a few questions about directions, and he asked a few about why the kids on the bus were levitating trombones. Flitwick obliviated him before there could be any more danger or drama.

"That guy must be a robot," Ron decided as they drove away.

"Why?" Hermione asked him.

"Who's that tall? With such poofy dreads? He must be a robot."

"ROBOTS!?" Harry screamed, causing even the bus to jump.

"Sorry," he said quietly. "I like robots."

There was an abundance of laughter until Ginny silenced the crowd.

"Wait - who just said they had herpes?" Seamus giggled.

"Actually, I was just pitchin' out my lines, but I'll have herpes if you want me to."

"I have a better idea," Ginny laughed. "I'll give you half of my cold sore for half of your herpes." Everybody laughed, even little Jordan. He walked over to Dean and began whispering something in his ear.

"What did he just say!?" Hermione asked, noticing a glance in her direction. Dean grinned maliciously.

"He says he doesn't like you 'cause you're mouthy."

"Mouthy girl!" Jordan chanted.

"WHAT!?" Hermione yelled.

"I'll give you a 'zample," Jordan began.

"You mean an example?" Hermione asked, sneering at him.

"Shut up!"

"Who's the noob now!?"

The boy defensively looked at Ron.

"How long have you two been dating for?" Hermione raised an eyebrow, wondering how he knew they were dating.

"Too long," Ron answered, stone faced. That's when the fight started. There were instruments everywhere and broken reeds flying all over the place. People were screaming and crying, Ms. Sue and Mr. Stu were nearly thrown out of the windows, until finally-

"Guys, it's snowing."

Ginny's statement forced everybody's attention to the windows. They stared out, all perfectly content with life.

"Puppies!"

The end…or is it?

Shall the ride continue, or shall it end here. Will our heroes ever get to their destination? More importantly, will Hermione maintain her win against little Jordan? Will Harry get even higher than he already is? Finally, will Luna ever get her potato?

That's for you to decide!


End file.
